This was one of those weekends that I absolutely dread. My mind was being marinated with covetous thoughts of money and wealth. Thank God these days are few and far between but this weekend was rough.
Because the poverty I enjoy is a choice on my part. I almost always have access to money or more money if I need it. But some pretty large tuition payments are due. They are looming and seem impossible and it is causing insomnia and stomach aches. Christmas will be tiny this year and that is embarrassing. My children are not given every thing they want and a few things they probably should have but Christmas has always been a catch up day for us. The one day we spoil them a little bit. They each get three presents (Because the Baby Jesus got 3 :)) But with four kids, that is still 12 presents plus stockings. We try to go to the movies because we rarely do that. Christmas in our house is all about the birth of Christ, but within that spirit of abstract joy we try to provide some moments of concrete joy to impress upon the fact that THIS day IS different. My children are so amazing at not complaining the other 364 days of the year.
So all these things were heavy on my heart over the weekend. The stores are all decked out and playing music, and I am conflicted as to how excited I should get because I want to prepare my family for the ity-bity tiny Christmas they are about to suffer through. The older kids expressed their willingness to go without gifts so the younger ones can have more. I feel terrible and I went to bed fantasizing about a long lost wealthy uncle or tripping over a large box of cash that someone left behind but no longer needs. My home looked smaller than I remembered. It is small but this weekend the size seemed inadequate. I was short-tempered and frustrated with everyone. I began to question everything I believe in and hoped that at the end of my life God is not actually wanting to see my checking account summary. And jealously reared its ugly head. I was jealous of my friends. Of their homes and cars and the clothes their children wear. It is a horrible place to be.
These days come. And they will go. And somehow everything will be okay one way or the other. But as we go down this road of sacrificing and giving, it is important to remember that these days will come. It is a certainty. And they will go.
