Just Shut Up

Many years ago when my children were younger we ran through Arby's drive through for dinner.  The line was long after I had a longer day.  Service was slow and I was cranky.  By the time we got to the window I was in no mood to talk to anyone while the cashier was chatting away.  When I didn't respond with friendly banter, she turned slightly and said "Stupid Bitch."  I heard it.  My kids heard it.  Shit was about to hit the fan.   I parked my car and marched into the store and proceeded to get her fired.  Fired and humiliated as her boss made an example out of her to her co-workers and patrons.

The next day I saw her walking along the road, pregnant and alone.

I heard today that a person I know committed suicide.  We were not close but I saw her maybe once a month and we spoke.  I have never been nice to this person.  We have known each other for 3 years and for the past 3 years, once a month, I have used her as an opportunity to make people around me laugh at her expense.  I have never been supportive; always critical and harsh.  The word I most often used to describe her was "stupid". 

I wish I could tell you why.  I wish I could explain why I have been so horrible to someone who, created by God Himself, had never ever said a mean word to me; has never been anything but kind and sweet and patient with me. 

I had a part, however small, in the darkness that led her to take her life.  I added to her pain and her hopelessness.  I created a wound that can never be healed. 

I don't have any great theological point to make today.  I am the greatest of sinners.  My heart is breaking and shame is crashing over me in waves.   I am remembering all the times my words have hurt and I am wondering how much damage I have caused.   This is poverty.  It has almost nothing to do with how much money you have in your pocket and almost everything to do with the pain you carry in your heart.   This is the poverty that will always be with us.  Our answer is to sit and love those who feel unlovable.  To help carry the burdens that others cannot put down.  May God have mercy on my soul.



Make us worthy Lord to serve our fellow men throughout the world,

who live and die in poverty and hunger.

Give them through our hands, this day, their daily bread

and by our understanding love give peace and joy.

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace.

That where there is hatred I may bring love,

That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness,

That where there is discord, I may bring harmony,

That where there is error I may bring truth,

That where there is doubt I may bring faith,

That where there is despair I may bring hope,

That where there are shadows I may bring light,

That where there is sadness I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted,

To understand than to be understood,

To love than to be loved.

For it is by forgetting self that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven,

it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

Amen.