The Day Dorothy Quit

When I began reading through Dorothy Day's diaries, I was anxious to read about the time when she left The Catholic Worker.  I wondered what the catalyst was for her leave of absence and I was anticipating a great inner struggle to her decision.  But it still came as a shock and completely unexpected. My heart paused for a brief moment and then turned cold as I read the diary entry documenting her thoughts and pain that she felt that were leading her to leave the CW. 

"I no longer feel I can save my soul by this work; no, more, I am in danger of losing it.  I am in danger of becoming like that woman in Bleak House who worked so hard for foreign missions and neglected her family...The world is too much with me in the Catholic Worker.  The world is suffering and dying.  I am not suffering and dying in the CW, I am writing and talking about it."

The criticism of the world was pressing in and she wanted to find a normal job somewhere quiet, maybe in a hospital, and lead an unassuming life of "prayer and penance". 

"The world will leave us alone, saying---after all, they are not doing anything. Just a bunch of smug fools praying.  We will not be as tormented by its scorn as we are by the praise of the world for works of mercy...Hence this new move.  Hence this running away, to seek a hidden life.  I have always been so sure I was right, that I was being led by God...and I looked for some unmistakable sign. I disregarded all the little signs.  I begin now to see them and with such clearness that I have to beg not be shown too much, for fear I cannot bear it."  DD. July 14, 1943

So many saints go through these times of darkness.  Mother T's struggle with depression as she could not feel God's presence in her life is well documented.  Dorothy was no exception. The life she chose was so sacrificial, how could she not have moments of shadow?  God is, always, merciful and showers His grace upon us.  Dorothy's year long leave of absence, which ended up only lasting 6 months, and her diary during this time have been lost.  But her commitment and her conviction never again swayed and she stayed a loyal servant of God every day until her death.  May our Lenten struggles heal our pain, remove our doubts and lead us closer to the Living God whom we serve.