Not Quite Fitting In

Hey Everyone! Long time, no blog.

Faith is an interesting concept isn't it?

 My prayer for 2013 has been,  "God, increase my faith.  Leave no room for doubt."  For a girl who has struggled with belief/unbelief, especially in those wee hours of the night as my mind wondered if I should hedge my bets and indulge in a little more sin and selfish behavior; care a little less about those around me....God's answer to this prayer has been a glass of cold water to a parched soul.

There is no doubt.  Not in my head or in my heart.  I believe in God.  I believe in Jesus.  I am so confident that I could tattoo The Creed on my back and be buried face down.

AND...that is where everything goes a bit pear-shaped.

 I don't fit in anywhere.  I'm not rich, or smart or athletic or talented. I'm not beautiful (my boss recently told me that I looked so bad that she thought I wore makeup to purposely look worse) . I'm not particularly friendly.  I can't seem to carry on a socially acceptable conversation.  I'm not popular or color-coordinated. I never got good grades or won any awards.  People think I am funny, but in that three-legged-dog-chasing-his-tail-kind of funny. I was born abandoned and followed the foreshadowing of this birth by getting left behind by every caretaker I ever had. I can't spell.  I'm not successful or accomplished or cherished in any area the world deems valuable.

 If this God-thing doesn't pan out, I don't have a fall back for my life.

 I literally do not fit in anywhere except in the ever-merciful arms of my God and Saviour.  This is not a low self-esteem lament you are reading.  This is a letter of gratitude to God for making it nearly impossible for me to find love and contentment in any other place but Him.  I am so weak.  So easily swayed and distracted. 

If I was successful by the world standards I would feel my heart swell with the applause and probably lose my soul.

Join me in praying for an increase in faith.  Then step back as God turns your world upside down.